Glad I'm not...

1. A Portland Trailblazers fan. 

Number one pick in the draft, energizes the city and gets them to rally around the home team. Out for the season before training camp.

2. A Patriots fan.

If they have any sense in New England, they'll ban cameras in the stadium so that they don't get themselves into any more trouble. Because they weren't cheating, just planning on it later.

3. You

Because after the first two lame ass items, you're still here reading. Don't you have something better to do with your time? Clearly I'm avoiding work at the moment.

3. The "Leave Britney Alone" Guy

Because this won't make you  a movie star, if you're career goes well  we'll be seeing you in gay porn... okay I won't, but someone will. (I apologize for posting this link- I'm usually a bit hipper than this, but if I left it off, I'd feel responsible for you not having to watch it.)

4. The next President of the United States

Because your administration has already  been assfucked by  GWBush. (Sorry for the extra gay reference, but as they say... if the dick fits.... no that's not it, When in Rome.... well, you know what I mean.)

5. 50 Cent

Because the white kids like Kanye better. Even though that AYO Technology song is dope.

6. Britney's Belly

Like my johnson, it's really not that big. But people sure like to talk about it.

7. K-Fed

Because the system is screwed. From a distance, he clearly has a better chance of being a responsible parent at the moment. But he's the dad and in the words of Sting ...

"The park is full of Sunday fathers and melted ice cream
We try to do the best within the given time
A kid should be with his mother
Everybody knows that
What can a father do but baby-sit sometimes?"

8. Perez Hilton

Since we have a theme show today. This fat, lame ass has been is showing up everywhere. I don't care what he has to say. I have nothing against fat people. Its lame people that I hate.

Wait- What if they had a celebrity version of American Idol, but instead of singing, they rapped. Sounds like a shitty idea that no celebrities would sign up for, and no one would watch. Holy Shit! I wasn't dreaming like I was when I thought that some bad tv commercials are too short so they should make 1/2 hour sitcom's out of them ( Caveman ) They really have one of those shows, only the only "celebrities" they could find are Perez Hilton and the not-hot/not-smart one of hef's girlfriends. Which to the rest of us means DON'T WATCH SO YOU THINK YOU WHO WANTS TO BE A CELEBUTARD WRAPPER! You will bleed from your eyes and ears.

9. My "friend" John

You play guitar like a motherfucker. That being said, the new girl is way hotter than that muppet you were dating for the publicity, but as funny as the new chick is, at the end of the day, she just lays there and worries about messing her hair up. That's why it didn't work between her and I. John, I know you'll have the same demise. For christ sakes, she tried to pretend that it wasn't her. That was the last time she had any fun. I guess the "industry makes you jaded."

GHFN-

T